23 06 30
Letter to him. I am sorry for all my bad attitude. I cannot be any other way. I do wish I was wiser, kinder and more bold really, to at least put in sustained effort to be a better person to you people. To try to connect and have interactions with you. But my reflex is to close up and shut down and tune out. And the more you fucking try to get that to change, the more I double down and become more constricted. I become incandescent with constriction. I manage to do it so well that I put you off by saying nothing, and in the few sentences I say I also put you off. I feel you getting tired of making the effort and getting nothing back in response. There’s a limit after which you will feel overwhelmingly like the next effort to make is just to back up. Maybe then I’ll realize I need you and reach out, and then we’ll see what happens. Maybe that’s the next thing you should do.
23 07 01
I look back and think about the ridiculous things substances make me do mehn. I’d have benefited a lot from being calm. Or at least not talking a lot and just taking in experience even when I was high. But maybe it is the character of the tablets to have one to be talkative. But I am happy I get to at least listen and take in information about my life right now, I have a better chance of making good decisions. Or at least decisions that I won’t regret and that’s good. What comes with this though is lots of anxiety when I am in public. An inability to detach from neurotic thoughts when they do come. And when I see one of my affiliates seemingly having a good life, I suddenly feel like everybody thinks I’m a dead guy. And it’s not the case really.
23 07 08
Busted. Fucking shit. Now chaos. Let’s see how this one plays out.
23 07 10
Quit my job today so that they won’t quit it for me. “A resignation is better than a termination”. Then lost over a million quid to a better schemer. I feel empty. Devoid of feeling. Because I am lost in the cloud of thought in my head. I am failing to feel my body, but when I check I do not feel much there. I think it is because I have immediate puzzles to solve now. Money problems, yes. But you’ll always be better equipped for any problem when you have serenity of mind. I do not have that. I am autopiloting through life now. Letting the wind of events blow me in whatever direction.
23 07 12
What’s the subject of the call with An today? How did your fucking day go. Why the fuck is your tfare 15k, fam. Your clothes dried. What are you up to. I sort of have to arrange my room tomorrow so it doesn’t look like it looks now. Fucking hell. Anybody that hasn’t seen my room scattered doesn’t know me. I’m putting up an act. Almost 20 minutes on the clock gone. A big improvement from what I have managed in all of July so far. Good.
23 07 21
A part of me feels some stupid shit from thinking about how I pissed off An and my cousin and every other person I’ve pissed off. Every kind of this shit has happened while high. I just continue to blow off my life while on the blues mehn. What the fuck. Why? I don’t fucking know. I don’t feel a high. I just feel like fuck everybody and everything and blow shit up and then sober me gotta deal with shit like calling people to beg for forgiveness. Just so I’ll feel better. High me is an asshole actually and I’ve gotta let him go. But I’ve ordered more tablets tomorrow. Lord, please just don’t let this one cast.
23 07 22
Tomorrow morning I will wake up and not feel good. But I don’t have to feel good to put a brick in the wall of my fucking life. Just have a fucking plan. 1 hour on Jon. 1 hour on Boot dev. 20-minute meditation. And 30 minutes fucking just doing nothing but observing my thoughts and let’s see what bubbles up. Fucking hell. I need to at least keep this level. This level here is good, it just gets distorted and the balance is tipped into anxiety and fear and distraction and just negative and unmindful shit. But I don’t have to feel good to do good. I need to familiarize with feeling calm despite what is present as the contents of my experience. I have had experience trying that, it wasn’t fucking fun. But it wasn’t fucking hell and I sure as hell wasn’t burning money or risking shit needlessly in those moments.
23 07 27
Deep breath. It’s good. Slow writing is very good. That’s 4 paragraphs I have knocked out, just slow writing, one line at a time, till it’s four lines I have, and then press the Enter button twice, and then start typing words again. Good good. What do I have to say in Medium really? I don’t have an audience but the movie in my head is making me think like I do.
I want to write a post that sort of ties up the last four or so that I have written, I think they were all in July. I didn’t forecast July going terribly horribly, but on many days it was horrible. The moments I was caught involved with tablets mostly. Then moments of arguments with parents.
The moments I felt no motivation to do anything. I didn’t want to complete any tasks. I couldn’t find the juice in me to do anything. I still haven’t gotten to a daily routine of Jon and BootDev. Let’s ease into that in August. Universe, give me the juice to do it.
Universe, may August not be horrible. May it be rejuvenating. May it be peaceful. May it not have me down in any moment. May it give me the life force to find equanimity in all moments. May I not be lost in suffering. May the ones I love not be lost in suffering. May everyone in the world not be lost in suffering.
