So, life’s shit. A major screw-up happened. I blew up my relationship with my parents, friends, and half the community in March. Things cooled down, and I blew it up again 4 days ago. Major screw-up. This time I got someone caught in the crossfire that I wish I did not.
Why are people so motherfucking quick to name names when they get caught? Nigga, you fucked up. Why you gotta mention my name? How many times have I gotten in trouble and not named names? But it feels like when anybody gets nabbed, they turn to the man of God at my christening — pronouncing my fucking full name. I should stop doing shit that’ll blow up in my face if I want this to stop. Okay.
“The best way to keep something secret is not to tell anybody”. I always forget this shit. I’m a compulsive self-saboteur. Amateur. I’m sheepish — take me to the abattoir. Honestly, I would like my life to end. I just do not want it to be a painful process, and I don’t want my close ones to be hurt. So, I gotta figure out a way to live and not be miserable, and I am currently failing at it.
Started writing this entry to put a landmark at this point in time in my life. Shit is bad. I feel fucking horrible. Guilt eating me. I try to apply my meditation techniques for times like this, I’m not skilled enough yet. Lost 99% of the people I used to speak to in the space of 2 months. It was all my fault. Well, some of it was their fault, but it was mostly my fault.
My cousin made me talk to two girls on the phone earlier, it was horrible. I have no objective evidence it was horrible but I think I bombed. The girls will never want to speak to me again. I am boring as shit. I tried to tell my cousin, he still made me talk. How can someone make you talk against your wish?
I was sat here on my own and he suddenly fucking just handed me the phone. “Talk to her”. What the shit. Why do you think I have conversation skills? I avoid talking to even my family so I won’t have to be shown up as socially inept. I asked her a dumb question. “Which one do you think gives a more accurate reflection? A mirror or a phone’s camera”, “I’ll reply you when I’m home”, she said. She thinks I’m boring. She has no time for my dead attempts to interact.*
He gave me the phone numbers of two of the girls, to get to know them. The rationale is having a female companion will occupy me and keep me from falling back into my bad habits. I have bad habits because I am nebbish and get anxious around people. This cure I am being offered is precisely my problem. There’s this antipsychotic drug called Risperidone. It is the worst shit ever. It is used to treat schizophrenia. I am not psychotic, I got caught in the shitty psychiatric treatment system.
There are people out there who are having to take medication that worsens their mental health because they haven’t studied the topic enough to articulate arguments that’ll save them. I had to prove I was as informed on biochemistry and neuroscience and psychology as doctors with motherfucking PhDs to get them to discontinue the drugs. Took me like 3 years of study and reflection to know that much.
There are people out there who don’t have that information and now are stuck on medication that makes their life worse. I wish I could do something about it.
But my life is shitty as is. I bet the fact that I am miserable will make a couple of people glad. Sigh. I was an asshole to them, it’s understandable they’re glad I am miserable. Thankfully fixing my mind is in my hands. But it also really isn’t. What will be will be.
People have happy lives, other people have miserable lives. I’m on the miserable side right now. I heard it is possible to be happy in sobriety. I hope it happens to me soon.
This post is a marker for this point in my life. Every year in the past 3 years has had this kind of low point. I look back at them and feel a bit of compassion for myself. I was motherfucking suffering and couldn’t do anything about it. It was time that made me feel better. Life gave me another chance really. I can’t wait to be able to look back on this one and think “damn, that was quite the hole I was in” and be glad I’m in a better state. But nothing is guaranteed. Why was I born.
*She responded with a voice note. Thank God?
