Next Post (Free Association)
You know what to expect. Free association writing, and that for me right now is essentially complaints about code, girls, life, money, some crude humour no one finds funny except I; some bits of amateur psychological insights also (imagine calling me amateur; go read three Gabor Mate books and 100s of hours of video on mind topics, go read David Dieda’s books and make sense of it, go read Nathan Filer’s “This Book Will Change Your Mind About Mental Health”, go see if you can riff off for 30 minutes on the roles of the prefrontal cortex of the brain and come back telling me if you feel like an amateur) all in meditative-flavoured language. And probably a rhyme scheme too.
You know what to expect, it could be anything. In fact, I’d write one right now.
Good evening, writing on Medium, plan was to write a stub so my mail subscribers would expect me to write some shit soon which should motivate me to write some shit soon, but let’s do it now.
What’s up with me? A bunch of shit I gotta do. Let’s list them.
; Do A.R.C. research and application for R.
; Write four admission applications (including SOPs and resumes, 3 schools for each, meaning 12 SOPs in total) for clients |(I get folks admission to the UK and Germany if you’re looking for one, btw, holler at 0706693279 if it’s of interest to you).
; Complete sister’s thesis (4000 words + other corrections to be made.) I know nothing about her topic, but I still will have to do this.
; Write the rest of O’s masters thesis and a journal paper
; Write M’s papers
; Start and successfully complete T’s German school applications
; Start and successfully complete B’s German school applications
; Write the code for AG’s app payment integration
; Complete the code T’s website
; write Z’s PHP script (even though I am not a PHP programmer)
Enough work for 5 people but I am broke and will have to do it all myself, so there’s that.
Text T (you’re an asshole, T), text Ab (you’re an asshole Ab, I feel like you’re using me), text Gb (you’re an asshole, you put me in your friendzone, and made me the captain), text B (you put me in your friendzone and told me I’m never getting out, you’re an asshole). Find out who’s available to meet up. So that I can go hang out with girls instead of doing the work I am supposed to do. Hanging out with girls will cost money that I will earn doing the work listed above but I’ll go and spend money I don’t have (irony I know, you technically can’t spend money you don’t have) on dates and then work my brain off to recover it back. That’s just the habit of a degenerate. But it’s my phase now.
Gotta get back to journaling, gotta get back to formal meditation. The meditation app subscription ran out two months ago, I didn’t resubscribe. If you need one tell that my life is a mess now, that’s it — I do not journal and meditate regularly, but you can always start anytime, so I’d always have that.
All this is fun and games till someone I love dies and then I’m overwhelmed with sadness and panic. Lord, help me stave that off for a long while to come. But who said Lord owes me shit. Lord, you don’t owe me shit, but do this shit for me.
Gotta get back to work, but if I don’t put out a Medium entry now, Lord knows when next I’d do it.
So, the problems are the same. Find equanimity in the midst of chaos, and calm in the midst of euphoria. I wish I could write something deeper, but this is as deep as I can get right now.
Life is at the core individualistic. I just realized that this week in a conversation with dad; I take time out to do stuff for others but not enough to do stuff for my own life. Imagine that. I just realized each person is running their own life’s race, and I’m out here trying to help put some metres into another person’s race. For peanuts, or just because I couldn't say “No, I can’t help you with this right now, I have to get to do other stuff”. Or also because I had to do the shit for them so they pay me some money.
Is this how I’ll continue to live? Will I let my epigenetics dictate my life for the rest of it? Till I’m 40 and still doing writing gigs for peanuts. Not even peanuts; more like groundnuts. It’s nuts if you think about it. Is it not?
Okay well. There is that. Writing helps me gain perspective on shit, this has helped me gain zero perspectives. Maybe because I am writing on Medium and posting for an audience.
If you’re reading, and you’re my friend, let me take this chance to tell you I appreciate you in my life. But I’m going to go into monk mode for a bit shortly.
I wish you and yours well in the meanwhile and in every other time.