It’s going okay. I’m not feeling so terrible right now. I just wrote an entry in my journal and it was one of those sessions, that I don’t get much of these days, that actually made me feel better. I had one of the writing sessions which is the reason I keep a journal. Basically, I fucked up some shit again. I always do. But I figured calling everyone I’ve wronged to apologize would help me feel better. I basically figured I want to apologize so that I can feel better.
Pops mentioned that my fucking with people might end up hurting others when people I fuck over decide to take revenge on other people that have my last name. That is what I do not want. I’m torn between writing shit out here and just keeping shit to myself. Like, posting shit on the internet is just giving the world material to dox and ruin you with later. But fuck it. Maybe I’ll figure out a way to write wholesome shit? Figure out a new medium of expression. Medium of expression, pun intended.
Let me make a list right here of who I gotta apologize to for being an asshole - the ones I can remember. Bo, for fucking being a bully. Bu, for fucking being a bitchass really. I got scared and bailed. Gb, for being an asshole. Fu, for being an asshole. Ru, again I was a rude asshole. Those were girls that were nice to me. An, it was my fault too. And all the other people I cannot even fucking remember. I don’t even want to think of the guys. There’s one thing ever present when I was being an asshole. My filters were down. And when they’re down, it’s like I forget tomorrow exists and I’ll have to face consequences.
In those moments I genuinely feel like fuck everything and fuck the world and whatever happens. Then the next morning, I don’t feel like that. I feel like “oh shit, what have I done again. How did I not realize I’d wake up not feeling like Superman when my GABA levels are normal again”.
Do I want the tedium of sobriety or the trouble of euphoria? Do I want the restraint the anxiety gives me or the recklessness that a temporary lack of emotion gives me? I do not want trouble. I do not enjoy having to make an effort to get back at people. I fucking know that if you’re spending time trying to make someone else’s life worse then on some level you’re not spending that time enjoying your life. Time scheming to make another person’s life worse is time not spent paying attention to your own life.
I know that a moment spent being mad at someone and just scheming and scheming on them is a moment of not being at peace. I know this and yet I scheme and scheme and try to get back at people. Argh, okay, don’t be so hard on yourself. Someone will fuck you up eventually, what you need to do is train your mind to remain in the present moment and feel consciousness.
Do not drown in the content of consciousness. Stay in consciousness. Hard fucking job. But I’m not having a good time in life, so what the fuck else do I have to lose by trying to do one thing that can help.
Now, I’ll forget I ever wrote this shit. I’ll not do any of this wholesome shit. Hamster wheel. Fucking hell. I just felt anxiety in my chest again. The good thing is you can live even while feeling anxious. Getting shit done doesn’t depend on how panicky or anxious you are. But it’s sort of like carrying a needless extra tense emotion in your body as you go through life that you can drop. If only I knew how to drop it. Or if I practised as hard as I used to.
How’s it going? It’s okay. Could be better, could be worse. I’m not really seeing how it would get better, but it very easily could get worse. Fingers crossed. Also, I need to motherfucking stop wasting time on Twitter. What the shit.
