Dear God,
Firstly, I thank you for putting in me the decision to wear a purple shirt instead of a pink shirt today. I mean, it’s the same gay shit for a guy to be wearing a bright purple or pink shirt, like a motherfucking peacock.
But I am grateful you made me pick the purple shirt and not the pink one I was also considering. Because now, I don’t look like one of the fucking choir guys who apparently decided the dress code today is pink shirt + black trousers. And I’m in black trousers too; the purple shirt you put in my head to wear is why I am grateful right now. I’d have been looking like the fucking choirmaster.
Yes, there’s nothing wrong with looking like one of the choir guys, but God, thank you for making me not choose the pink shirt and looking like one of the fucking choir guys.
Thank you for not using thunder to strike me down when I went to the offering basket and pretended to drop some squeezed currency note into it when I’m fact my hand was empty and didn’t drop shit.
I thank you for helping me resist the urge to start saying the lyrics to “Awilo Logomgba — J’ mapelle, Coma tuta pelle” when the people around me in the church starting speaking in tongues.
I am not pleased that this aunty with a wide ass who usually wore tight skirts now wears loose skirts that don’t accentuate the ass shape, but thank you still, God.
I’m grateful, for you gave me eyes to see them and a consciousness to experience it all. But what the fuck though, why is she now wearing loose skirts? Why did you make the pastor preach about not wearing ungodly dressing to church. If you’re not going to show any flesh, why not wear a fucking burqa then. Well, I still thank you, God, for everything.
Thank you for everyone in church today, thank you that they are alive, thank you for my uncle and his family. Lord, I am grateful for my beautiful cousins, for my family, and for my friends. I am grateful they are alive and healthy and I am here to experience all that.
Lord, I am grateful in advance that you will give me significant more time to continue to experience my loved ones alive and healthy and happy. I am grateful in advance you will give them more time to be alive and in great shape.
Father Lord, I am grateful for the marginally-attractive girls around my age in this church. But I’d be even more grateful if you made it happen that extremely-attractive girls around my age start coming to this church, and that they automatically like me once they see me, even though I am a terrible person.
There’s a lot of things to be grateful for, Lord. And although it’s not as perfect as I’d want it to be, but it could be worse. I am grateful for the way it is right now.
I just looked to my right now and saw a congregation member guy in purple shirt and black trousers and shoes. He’s wearing a tie and has his shirt tucked in; I am not wearing a tie and my shirt is not tucked in — thank you God that I feel absolutely no negative emotions that this guy is better dressed than I am.
There’s lots of things to be grateful for, and I am grateful you have given me reasons to be grateful.
