Quit my job today so that they won’t quit it for me. “A resignation is better than a termination”. Then lost over a million quid to a better schemer. I feel empty. Devoid of feeling. Because I am lost in the cloud of thought in my head. I am failing to feel my body, but when I check I do not feel much there. I think it is because I have immediate puzzles to solve now. Money problems, yes. But you’ll always be better equipped for any problem when you have serenity of mind. I do not have that. I am autopiloting through life now. Letting the wind of events blow me in whatever direction.
I have YouTube open on another browser tab. “How Processors Work”. I decided to watch a Computer Science video to see if I’d find something that’d spark some excitement in my body. 16 minutes in, I hadn’t gotten it and now I’ve come here to write. I said I feel nothing, but that doesn’t mean I feel good. I just don’t feel bad. The main problem really is I cannot make contact with the present moment. Writing is an effort to do it. But I need to just do nothing and feel my experience. Feel my chest, abdomen, and head. Notice thoughts as thoughts. I can do this but there’s no guarantee I’ll feel good.
I want to feel good. I can’t make it happen. Equanimity and acceptance are what is always available to me in any moment, I still cannot access that right now. I just need more time practicing mindfulness. But even that seems tedious. Why can I not have enlightenment now? I am not making the effort to try to get it. Fucking hell.
It is available now, I just need to know how to recognize it. I cannot. I am the guy stuck staring at his reflection in the window when the job is simply to look past the glass through the window to see the life outside. I can’t manage that task and I’d probably never be happy without figuring it out.
I don’t feel bad, I just don’t feel good either. Everyone has some version of this. Earth continues to spin.
